Assurance

I’m glad you told me I had to let go. I’m glad you made it clear that you don’t feel the same. It hurt, but pain is inevitable in these situations. What you said made me realize that I can’t keep trying forever, and I have to think of myself too. Coming from you, it made me accept the truth. It’s going to take a while, but I’m going to get over you. I miss you. I won’t deny that. I can’t just forget about you, or move on just like that. But I’m going to try and move on, little by little. Life goes on. I just hope you won’t push me away. Please let me stay in your life. Being friends with you beats being nothing at all. So please, understand me. I miss you, and I miss what we used to be, but I’d gladly let all of that go as long as I know you’d still be there for me.

Lost

1:17 AM. I’m wide awake and so I decided to just write about what I’m feeling. Lost. It just pretty much summarizes my situation right now. It sounds emotional and sentimental, does it? Well, it’s because I do feel emotional and sentimental. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go. I’ve wondered if I would tell my parents about this but I hardly doubt they’ll understand. My friends keep telling me that I should move on and that everything is going to be okay. I’ve tried following them but if you ask me, I’m far from okay. There were definitely some nights wherein I cried myself to sleep. I can’t anymore endure the thought of losing someone as amazing as him.

He’s nice, he’s smart, he’s caring, he’s funny, he plays basketball, he’s good-looking and most importantly, he gets me. I could go on forever describing how amazing he really is. But I’m not one of those girls who worship guys and make them sound as if they’re saints. I’m not saying that he’s perfect, he’s far from it. But he’s the closest to ever get from being perfect. My friends and family make me happy. He makes me happy as well, but this time, it’s different. I’m not the lovey-dovey mushy kind of girl, but I actually think this guy has changed me. He’s made feel special and appreciated when no one really did. 

There were some nights when I feel like giving up or breaking down. My knees felt week and I felt like I was going to fall yet he is what keeps me standing. He is my inspiration. He is my motivation. He makes me feel better without really trying. Just simply talking to him gets me through the day and makes me feel like I do have a purpose. It makes me feel so guilty of losing a guy so marvelous as him. I keep forgetting of the relationship we could have had. It wouldn’t be perfect; no relationship is. But I actually thought he was the guy that I would get introduced as my boyfriend. Or better yet, he was the guy that I would get to spend my whole life with. I thought he was the guy who would teach me basketball even though I’m a complete failure. I thought he was the guy who I would have babies with. I thought he was the guy that I could offer my entire love and affection to. 

So many ‘what if’s flood through my head right now. What if fate makes a way to reunite as back together? What if we actually became more than friends and that I wouldn’t be blogging about you right now? What if we weren’t really meant for each other? I don’t know. I am lost. The paths I am offered are tempting though I hardly know which one to go to. I know I should move on and follow my friends’ advice and I’ve desperately tried distracting myself with other aspects in my life but forgetting you is like trying to know someone I’ve never even met. It’s impossible. You keep me fueled to go and live. I hate this feeling. I miss you. I miss you so much and what hurts is the feeling that you don’t miss me back.  

I am beyond pathetic. I cry, I am clumsy and I am not the best-looking girl out there. Maybe these are why you stopped liking me. But I won’t blame you. You endlessly fascinate me, and I am hopelessly boring. I am sorry for this. You deserve nothing less than my comical, silly self. 

I am so glad that we’re friends because being friends beat being nothing at all. But I just want you to know, even though you probably won’t read this, is that I’m so grateful for you. You’ve made me so happy and I wish I’ve made you happy as well, at least to so extent. You deserve being treated specially because you are. What’s sad about all this is that you don’t even know how amazing you are. I wish there was a way I could personally show you how you meant (and means) to me and the rest of my nostalgic feelings.

1:44 AM. I just want to let you know that I’m still hoping that someway somehow we would get back together. We had a brief “thing”, but we fell short and it didn’t last very long. But I love you and I’ll never get tired of it. You are and will always be the reason behind my every smile. I miss you and good night. 

P.S. I really do hope your happy. 

Fake Friend

I’ve missed you again. I know I’m not supposed to be missing someone who I thought was a true friend but ended up not being one at all. I have absolutely no idea where I’m going with this but I’m just going to type whatever goes through my brain. It’s difficult for me to recall all those amazing memories we’ve had that made our past friendship so strong. We met and became friends in 4th grade. We found out so much similarities with each other. We hang out during lunch and recess. We were known as best friends and even if we’re not actually the best of friends, I have only one who is Paula who is undeniable irreplaceable and I believe that she also has close friends that I don’t know of but somehow I enjoyed the term.

There were moments wherein we would have fun and enjoy yet rivalry made a barrier between us. This occurred all through from the 4th grade until 2nd year high school. Academics, popularity, physical appearance, number of peers, wealth and basically the social status was what she kept worrying about even until now. I don’t know why that concerned her, I accepted her the way she is and she would constantly attempt to emanate me in every way possible. I don’t get it. We shared laughs, countless of them. Why do these matter to her? 

I guess people really do change. It’s inevitable and painful. But I have to move on. I wish I could just relive all the time I’ve spent with her and warn myself of what I have to face in the future and to feel again what it’s like to be with her. I can’t deny that I miss you. Because I do. I miss you and it hurts because I feel like you don’t miss me back. We still talk, however, I feel like there’s a wall between us and suddenly our what-used-to-be-enjoyable conversations turned into an awkward silence. I don’t know her anymore.

One day, I was waiting for her outside her classroom for recess and then when she came out she said that she’ll just go with me in lunch since she was with a couple of other people. I agreed. There was nothing wrong with making friends, right? Then when I waited for her during lunch, she was nowhere to be found. I though real friends don’t leave each other. I thought we would overcome any problem and it would made our friendship firmer. But no. It’s like I don’t matter to her anymore. It’s like she’s been brainwashed and she’s a whole new different person. What a pity.

I don’t think there will ever be progress in this situation. I know saving our relationship is the best thing I could possibly do but I’ve already did and it was a failure. I’ve tried several attempts but unfortunately it didn’t turn out the way I planned it. I’m thinking what if she did actually show up that lunch time. It could have changed so many things. What if she did actually try to revive the friendship? I’m thinking countless number of ‘what if’s and what could have happened. Well, what could have happened is that I wouldn’t be blogging about this right now, we still remained close friends and I wouldn’t feel entirely lost. There were so many things we still could have done. I thought the rivalry would finish and you would stop ignoring me. Forlornly, what has been started could be ended if two parties would try. But I keep trying. I keep hoping and been dying to bring back all the memories. 

We used to be so happy. We would share the most random stories. We would go home late a day before the exam and would literally fool around in the center of an open field since it was empty. We would take pictures in a variety of comical poses. We would make fun and call people names, it was rude, but that was such a wonderful memory. We would sneak out behind teachers so that they wouldn’t know that we brought food in an off-limits area. We would run away from guards because we exited the campus without permission. We were partners-in-crime. As silly as we were, it was one of the most memorable friendships of all time. But now, everything is so cold. We are avoiding each other. We’re hanging out with different people. We used to be as close as two papers super-glued to each other but now I  can’t think of anything that we’re both mutual to except maybe of our used-to-be friendship. I can’t think of any similarities that we’re still similar at. 

I hope that one day the realizations would take over her head and we would get back what we used to be. I know that someway somehow we’re still connected, two giggling kids in grade school uniforms. I’ll never let go, I will always cherish what was lost between us. Just letting you know that I’m grateful for the memories. Let us be friends again. Please don’t leave me hanging. Please.